


like a flower bereft of sunlight

by fifteen_half



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 22:30:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19895395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fifteen_half/pseuds/fifteen_half
Summary: An accident forces Donghyuck to reevaluate his relationship with Jaemin.





	like a flower bereft of sunlight

The situation isn’t dire, but Donghyuck feels like it is anyway.

After all, putting your bandmate, your friend, your _brother_ , your— well, putting someone important to you in the hospital is a pretty dire thing.

If only he hadn’t…! If only he hadn’t been so, so, so, so…! If only… if only…

Even though he wants to, he’s too busy to stay longer. Donghyuck can already see their manager preparing to leave and he should as well but… he’s the reason why Jaemin is here, shouldn’t he also be there if Jaemin—

_—when_ Jaemin wakes up?

But he has a job to do, responsibilities to finish, and he knows, he _knows_ Jaemin wouldn’t want him to mope around him anyway so… so he gets up, heavily, tiredly, and squeezes the hand of his slumbering friend.

“Stop being a drama queen and wake up already, will you?” biting his lip to keep the tears at bay, he bribes, “I promise I’ll buy you coffee for the rest of your life so just… wake up, okay?”

There’s no reaction from Jaemin, but at least it makes Jeno and Jisung smile.

“We’ll keep an eye on him, hyung,” Chenle promises, the smile on his face hopeful, “We’ll let you know right away when Jaemin hyung gets up!” But then his smile falls away and he looks unsure and then he looks at Jisung and then at Jeno and three share a look and even though Donghyuck isn’t as well-versed in dream-speak anymore, not since being away for half a year with the hyungs, he _knows_ what they want to say.

“I’ll drop in on Renjun after practice. I’m… I’m pretty sure the hyungs wouldn’t mind.”

Because Renjun isn’t here. Renjun had refused to visit Jaemin, refused to step foot inside the hospital, refused to eat and sleep and accept that none of this is his fault.

Renjun is like Donghyuck. But unlike Donghyuck, Renjun refuses to be in Jaemin’s presence without asking for and getting his forgiveness.

Donghyuck, on the other hand, isn’t as strong.

He calls himself the sun. So why, then, does he feel like a dying flower bereft of sunlight?

Back when they first began as trainees, Donghyuck had always been envious of the friendship between his fellow ‘00 liners. Perhaps it is because the two had arrived at the company on the same day at nearly the same time. Perhaps it’s because while the two were nearly day and night in their personalities, they somehow found a common ground between them. Whatever it had been, their friendship had grown fast and strong and Donghyuck… he couldn’t quite figure out where he could fit in.

It isn’t as if they deliberately left him out though. In truth, the two always, always made room for him, invited him, but every time he’s with them he feels like he’s looking at twins, like he’s looking at two halves of one person.

So he turns to Mark who, honestly, couldn’t care less about creating lasting friendship as he had been so, so focused on achieving his dreams.

But then Jaemin somehow, somehow worms his way into Mark’s shell and suddenly, Mark lets them all in and becomes a hyung they all could depend on.

Donghyuck remembers wondering what it is about Na Jaemin that makes others let go of their worries and doubts and inhibitions. It isn’t just Mark, after all. It had been Jeno first and then Jisung. And now, a new trainee from China named Renjun.

It is… stupid, undoubtedly. But Donghyuck makes sure that he is at a safe distance from Jaemin.

He’s perfectly fine in his shell.

Donghyuck doesn’t want to know who he’ll be without it, terrified that he wouldn't like the person behind the shell, that he might lose those important to him.

So he keeps his distance and this is fine.

But then Jaemin starts to distance himself too and well— this is what he wanted.

Right?

Wrong.

Donghyuck doesn’t want this.

So he plans. It’s all his doing anyway so he has to be the one to start bridging the gap.

Except Jaemin isn’t used to his affections anymore and every time he tries the younger boy would laugh and ask if he’s okay, if he and Mark had fought again, because why else would Donghyuck come to Jaemin?

Jeno, ever observant, suggest a different approach.

“I think the real reason why he finds it weird is because you’re acting weird,” Jeno had said, “Just be yourself, Hyuck. Treat him like you would treat us.”

It’s a bit awkward, because even he isn’t used to it, but he starts to give Jaemin the same treatment: being a constant annoyance. Because that is how he shows affection.

If they’re having bingsu for snack or dessert, he purposely orders the one with milk— it’s not as if Jaemin is allergic to it anyway, he just hates the smell and the taste. During practice, when they’re all sweaty and tired, he sticks himself on Jaemin’s back, making sure to nuzzle his sweaty hair against Jaemin’s cheek. And then, coffee.

Every chance he gets he asks the younger to buy him coffee, whether Jaemin is buying one for himself or not. In times when he’s feeling particularly mischievous, he tries to weedle out of paying.

Jaemin just takes it all in though. Oh, he’d get annoyed and whine and he’d give him lectures about being a good friend but Donghyuck’s plan is starting to work because now they’re much, much more comfortable with each other.

It’s nowhere near where he wants to, but it’s okay, he’s got time.

They’ve got all the time in the world.

The day of the accident starts normally.

127 is practicing in the morning. And in the afternoon, while the hyungs take lessons, Donghyuck would practice with Dream.

He’s excited because it’s been so long since he’s been with his friends. Being with the hyungs is great because there is a type of freedom while being the youngest, but being with people you can talk to and laugh and joke around with without having to worry about behavior and conduct could also be quite liberating.

Besides, there’s something different when he’s with Dream. Donghyuck knows that Mark will always stay for exactly this reason.

Chenle is the first to arrive. He sits by the mirrors and enthusiastically watches his hyungs practice.

Donghyuck thinks the rest are going to arrive at the nick of time, a usual occurrence with Dream, but they arrive today with plenty of time to spare.

This gives Donghyuck an opportunity for mischief and so he bounds towards the unsuspecting Jaemin and begs him to buy him coffee.

“You’ll buy coffee anyway, right? So you wouldn’t mind buying for me too, right? Right?”

Jaemin playfully pushes him away, whining about being used as a gofer.

“You haven’t even paid me for last time!”

Donghyuck revels in this kind of banter so he grins even wider and persists, “Jaemin-ah, pleeeeease? It won’t take a lot of time. And I’m practically _dying_ for coffee here. Pleaaaase, pleeeeaaaasee have pity on me!”

In response, Jaemin pouts at him, “Here I am trying to decrease my coffee intake and you want me to buy coffee so that I could buy you coffee? You’re not thinking of me at all, Hyuck!”

This is untrue, of course, because Donghyuck has been worried about Jaemin’s coffee intake but he’s better now, can control himself better, and having a cup or two of coffee wouldn’t hurt, right?

“Jaemin-ah, don’t you love me anymore?”

In hindsight, Jaemin’s reply could’ve been said in jest, but when the younger says, “I think you’re the one who doesn’t care about me at all, Hyuck. When have you ever thought about me?”

It _hurt_.

Donghyuck has been trying all this time to bridge their distance, after all. Has Jaemin felt none of that? Has all his efforts have been in vain? Has everything been for naught? Did his immature self from the past irrevocably damaged his and Jaemin’s friendship for good?

Still reeling from the unexpected flood of emotions, Donghyuck had been unable to reply. Jaemin’s expression was starting to change in worry, something that made Donghyuck panic a little because Jaemin isn’t supposed to know something this stupid, isn’t supposed to know what he’s been trying to do, why Jaemin’s casual words affects him so much, fortunately, Renjun mercifully butts in,

“The cafe’s just across the street, Jaemin-ah! Geeze! Stop whining and just buy Hyuck his drink, will you?!”

Immensely thankful towards Renjun, Donghyuck shakes the panic off by clinging to the other boy and playfully mourning, “Renjun-ah, he doesn’t love me anymore! It’s just a cup of coffee but he won’t buy it for me! Has our friendship all these years mean nothing to him? Is that why he doesn’t spend time with me anymore? Is he too good for us now?”

“Seems like it, Hyuck-ah,” Renjun returns, nodding mock seriously, “Give someone enough popularity and it immediately gets to their head. He acts like he’s carrying Dream on his back but he wasn’t even there for a whole year as _we_ shed blood, sweat and tears!”

Turning to Jaemin, Donghyuck pouts as ugly as possible, “Injun is right! So don’t you think you should show some gratitude by buying me coffee? Don’t you think you should—,”

“Hey, that’s enough,” Jeno suddenly cuts in, his voice sharp, scolding, a deep frown marring his face, “It’s not funny anymore guys.”

And it’s then that Donghyuck realizes how much he’d screwed up. He’d been so caught in the moment he’d forgotten how much the forced hiatus still bothered Jaemin, how guilty he still felt when their wins would be mentioned.

He’s about to apologize but then Jaemin laughs awkwardly, waving Jeno’s concern away.

“It’s fine, it’s fine! We’re cool!”

“Jaemin,” Renjun tries, “I was just—,”

Jaemin shakes his head, “I know, don’t worry about it! We’re all just fooling around. It’s fine.”

Not saying sorry would eat at Donghyuck, so he moves towards the younger, desperate to make Jaemin understand that none of what had been said is true, but he stops when Jaemin takes a step back, away from him.

He hesitates for a second, wondering if explaining would make it worse, but that moment had been all it took for the younger to escape the room in the guise of buying them coffee.

None of them had been sure what to do at that moment.

And then Jeno rounds on them both, the anger in his eyes burning. But it must have been obvious how distraught both him and Renjun were so Jeno heavily sighs instead. Chenle’s eyes are wide with worry, looking between him and Renjun and then at Jeno and then at the door. It’s Jisung who makes them promise to apologize to Jaemin right away.

Both of them make that promise.

And they nearly hadn’t been able to keep it.

Jaemin wakes up nearly two days later without complications.

He’s sore, and tired, and still really sleepy (something that secretly terrifies Donghyuck), but other than that, he’s as cheerful as ever.

Jisung immediately brightens and Jeno begins to smile again. Chenle is ten times hyper and louder and even though Donghyuck wants to tell him to calm down, they’re in a hospital after all, he can’t, because he knows it’s Chenle’s way of relieving the pent up stress of these horribly long hours of waiting waiting _waiting_.

Renjun is on his way. After much prodding, and whining, from Jaemin, that is.

Jaemin makes Renjun bring him food even though Donghyuck knows he’s not hungry, knows that Jaemin had asked this of Renjun only to give Renjun a way out, to give him the forgiveness Jaemin had already given even before Renjun had asked. Donghyuck knows that all Jaemin wants to do is rest and sleep. Donghyuck knows this, he can tell by the way Jaemin has been fighting to keep his eyes open, can tell by the number of times he’s stifled a yawn. He knows this, Jeno knows this, even Jisung and Chenle know this.

But they’re all terrified, so, so very terrified, that Jaemin might never wake up again.

So they make him wait for Renjun. And they make him laugh. They distract him so that Jaemin could forget.

Unfortunately, a nurse comes in and chides them gently, and they’re all forced to surrender.

The nurse hasn’t even left the room before Jaemin’s asleep. With a small smile, she turns to them, looks at them fondly and tells them, “The worst is over. You’ll all be able to take him home tomorrow.”

The words do the trick and they all feel a little better but they all still prefer an awake Jaemin rather than a sleeping Jaemin.

Renjun arrives soon after. The hyungs are with him. They have bags and bags and bags of take out with them, as if for a party. Unfortunately for them though, the celebrant is deeply, deeply asleep.

Renjun’s face is painted with pure horror the moment he sees Jaemin. Fortunately, Jaemin stirrs and mumbles something incomprehensible and then Renjun shoots a demanding look at the Dreamies.

“He’s fine, just resting,” Jeno placates, “We tried to keep him up but the nurse got angry at us so…”

Renjun immediately deflates, “He said… he said he wanted food. He said we’re even if I bought it for him. Is he still… is he still angry at me?”

As Mark moves to comfort Renjun, to assure him that no, Jaemin is definitely not angry at him, that he was never angry at him, it is clear to everyone that no amount of assurance could convince Renjun otherwise.

Donghyuck doubts that even Jaemin could convince Renjun.

Jaemin had given him his forgiveness the moment Donghyuck had asked, but even then Donghyuck still feels guilty.

Because at the root of it all, it is not the accident that is causing him and Renjun this much pain. No matter how many what-ifs he tells himself, the fact remains the same: an accident is an accident. None of them is at fault, none of them is to blame.

No.

What he is most regretful of is that he had hurt a person very, very important to him.

Jaemin might forgive him for it, but it isn’t as easy to forgive himself.

Jaemin wakes up just before visiting hours are over.

Finally, finally the party begins. The food is reheated. Renjun makes peace with Jaemin. And they all make a contest of making Jaemin laugh the hardest.

It’s pretty obvious how tired Jaemin is still but now he can keep himself awake a bit longer than before. When visiting hours are over and the managers come to collect their charges, Jaemin bids them all goodnight and tells them how excited he is to get out of the hospital and go back home.

“In that case, please try and wake up earlier than usual tomorrow, Jaeminie,” Dream’s manager teases, “The earlier you wake up, the earlier we can go home.”

Jaemin laughs and promises that he’ll wake up bright and early tomorrow.

No one questions why Donghyuck asks to sleep at Dream’s dormitory tonight. The answer is obvious anyway.

The next day, Donghyuck is the first to wake up, the first to eat and dress up, the first to climb into the van on the way to the hospital to bring Jaemin home.

When they arrive, Donghyuck is somehow conned into going to Jaemin’s room by himself. Renjun and Jeno and Jisung had most likely talked amongst themselves during the night and felt that he needed to do this.

Well, they aren’t wrong but it’s still pretty annoying (touching) that his friends know him so well.

Jaemin is getting his final check up when he comes in. When the nurses leave, Donghyuck nonchalantly chucks a bag with Jaemin’s clothes on to the bed.

“Ready to get out of here?” he greets, laughing at Jaemin’s surprised expression. “What?” he asks, when Jaemin doesn’t say anything, “Are you that excited to see me?”

Jaemin blinks as if coming out of a trance then a smile blooms on his face.

“I am,” he answers, “Very much. I thought you’d go back to normal after making sure I’m fine but you’re still here! You just… you don’t really talk to me, you know? Like you do with Jeno or Renjun or Chenle. It’s either only because of work or because there’s no one else to talk to. Or because you’re in a teasing mood. That’s it. And then— what? What’s wrong? Why do you look—,”

 _like you’re about to cry,_ is what Jaemin had probably wanted to say.

Donghyuck bites his lip, then looks away.

He hadn’t planned to say it this way but since it’s come to this…

“I’m sorry, Jaemin ah,” he begins, because this is how he’s been feeling ever since, “I’m really sorry.”

Now it’s Jaemin who is frowning.

“Wait. So. So it’s true? You really don’t like me? I mean, I’ve always had a feeling. Jeno said I was being delusional and I believed him but,” Jaemin stops, swallows, the smile on his face tremulous as he continues, “Sorry, Hyuck. I’m sorry. If I’ve hurt you in any way, I’m so so sorry. Did Jeno make you go up here by yourself? So that you could tell me what I did wrong? Because you can! I—,”

“Jaemin ah, stop!” Donghyuck yells, then he rolls his eyes, clamps his hands on Jaemin’s shoulders, looks at him straight in the eyes and says, “Stop.”

When Jaemin looks at him in confusion, Donghyuck sighs, “I came here so that I could say sorry to _you_ , dumbass!! I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t like you. Cause I do! I do! It’s just… I was stupid and scared and so I did stupid things. And then I realized how stupid I was but I was a coward and I couldn’t just say it to you. So I thought of this stupid plan to fix my mess but then it just kept on firing back. I show my affection by being annoying, right? I thought that if I was extra annoying to you you’d realize that was me showing that I do care but it never worked the way I wanted it to. You thought I was bullying you, didn’t you? Or I was pushing you away. But you’re wrong! Because,” Donghyuck pauses, suddenly unsure. But then he sees Jaemin’s pensive expression and so he plucks enough courage to say, “‘Cause I like you. A lot. Back then. Even now.”

When Jaemin says nothing, Donghyuck chuckles nervously, “Hey. Say something?”

“You’re the one who’s dumb.”

“What?”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, “I said that you’re dumb, Haechan ah. What were you afraid of in the first place? I’m not scary, am I?”

“You’re plenty scary, Jaemin ah,” Donghyuck replies seriously.

At the look of disbelief on Jaemin’s face, Donghyuck explains, “You’re a lot like Mark hyung, you know? There’s just something about you two that instantly draws people in, lets them feel they can put their guard down. You did it with Jeno, and with Jisung and Renjun. Heck, you’re one of the reasons why Mark hyung’s so close to us. Because of you, they came out of their shells and built enough courage to be themselves. And I… I was terrified of that. I was scared to get close to you because I didn’t want to know who I was behind the glamor. I didn’t want _anyone_ to know. But then I got tired of that, but by that time you were gone. When you came back… I’d put it so far behind me that I just… I didn’t know what to do.”

“Oh,” and then chuckling softly, Jaemin says, “I guess I… I should’ve tried harder, too. I don’t like pushing people to like me. If I thought someone wasn’t going to accept me I tend to stay away. Sorry for giving up, Hyuck ah. I’m sorry for giving up on you.”

“I guess we’re both dumb, huh?”

Jaemin laughs, “Yup. Pretty dumb.”

“So.”

“So.”

“Wanna start over again?” Donghyuck offers.

Jaemin rolls his eyes, “Are we in some teen drama? Just come here and give me a hug, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck laughs and happily complies.

Nothing really changes after. Nothing too much.

But Jaemin’s hugs lasts longer and he no longer hesitates to smother Donghyuck with affection. Donghyuck, in turn, is more comfortable around the younger boy. This time, he’s the one who buys him coffee. And he always makes sure there’s no milk in whatever dessert they’re buying.

And if their gazes linger with promises of more well, that’s a story for next time.


End file.
